On Identity
Some really raw thoughts
“Who even are you?”
It came in the middle of a ‘disagreement’. My wife and I had been disagreeing more and more often. Then she said it. “I feel like I don’t know who you are. I thought I did, but I don’t. Tell me who you are.”
My wife of 8 years didn’t know who I was?
Oof.
Then I tried to tell her. And no words came out. I didn’t know, either.
Feeling off
I was 35 years old. I should know myself. But when I thought about it, I’d been living without an identity of my own.
I was almost over-the-hill, but many days I still felt like a child. I spent my days on autopilot, working to fulfill requests (nay, demands) from my kids, wife, and boss. My vessel was blown any way the prevailing winds desired. I collapsed at the end of the day too exhausted to read a book, much less build a business or restore a classic car.
My life was amazing; We lived in a spacious house with lush green grass, reliable transportation, and a decent job to pay for it all. Most of the time I was happy. But I could no longer ignore that I was stressed.
Attention fragmented. Temper short. Attitude distant.
What was happening??
Living for others
It’s the easy way out if you’re a people-pleaser. Find satisfaction in anything but yourself. Fishing for the “Good job” and the “Thank you” feels good in the moment but you’re on a dangerous course. My external identity included the following:
Excellent husband
Present father
Productive employee
On the surface, these seem amazing. But notice who benefits from these identities, and more importantly: who doesn’t.
What are you doing for you? If you woke up tomorrow the last man on earth, what would you do? You probably don’t know. It’s time to discover yourself. Don’t go all monk mode on me, though
Now, check this out.
“The answer to your stress is to care about yourself again.”
Meeting you
If you’re anything like me, you may have married before you were ready. You might not know what you like, aside from the Uncharted series and Hamburger Helper.
Maybe you followed a trajectory like High School > College > Marriage because it’s what you’re supposed to do. What’s accepted by society. Or your parents. Or your friend group. On ‘n on.
The only downfall to this approach is the lack of space. Like a fine wine guzzled directly from the bottle, you didn’t give any breathing room. From one life stage to the next: boom, boom, boom.
I’m willing to bed you’re still doing that in some ways. It’s OK. You don’t know any other way.
The important thing I missed following this narrow path (I don’t regret it, by the way.) is forming my own identity. Living at home through high school, I learned about life from my parents. Living in a dorm taught me college party things. Then I met my wife, and started adopting her worldview.
The sad part is, I’d never formed one of my own. What actually brings light to my eyes? What stokes the fire in my soul? Who am I?
If you see even a little of yourself in this: run to the store and buy a journal. Start dumping thoughts. If you’re in a real funk, find someone to talk to. You’re trying to make the leap from surviving to thriving, so you MUST untangle the negative pattern knot in your mind.
When will I feel good again?
I don’t know the answer to this. But I’m getting closer. Here’s what I can offer you today to get closer to that spot:
Try new things (alone): Read a fiction book instead of scrolling social. Go for a swim. Apprentice at an auto repair shop. You won’t like everything. The point is to know what you like and don’t.
Exercise (consistently): If you don’t take care of yourself, don’t expect to feel good about yourself.
Eat well: See point number two.
Rise early: You don’t have to get up at 5 every day. Even an extra 15 minutes before the demands of your life set in is helpful.
Find purpose: If your only purpose is being a good dad, then you’ll be completely subject to the emotions of your family. Your purpose, your personal purpose, is what will turn you into the strong leader for your family.
What is Be The Dad You Needed?
Formerly ‘The Fatherhood Framework’, Be The Dad You Needed is my reminder to myself that I can be better. My childhood was not bad by modern standards but I was still left lacking major mental models (and confidence).
This publication is my exploration of what I needed, and how to provide it for my own kids. Hit subscribe below to come along for the ride.
Thank you for your attention, I know how little of it we all have.
It is good for you to share this with the world mate.